Diversions

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Quote of the Day:

“Romance and work are great diversions to keep you from dealing with yourself.”

– Cher

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My diversions began when I was a small child. Although at that age, I didn’t have romance or work. I had books thanks to my Aunt Lish. I also played outside as much as possible during all four seasons while living in Maine and Florida.

Reading and my imagination were the diversions of dealing with alcoholic arents. Those of you who have grown up under these conditions know of what I type here. When I was reading or imagining I didn’t have to deal with the confusion of changing rules, situations and feeling like I wasn’t good enough no matter what I did.

When I became older, I added to my tools house cleaning. Overall this was a good thing but when it came to cleaning my room I would pull everything out from the wall. I would sweep, dust and wash windows. Next came putting the furniture back and I would rearrange room until the next week. This act would drive my mother crazy. I don’t know why since my room was clean.

Other diversions were high school and after school activities. Romance also entered the picture and I must say my choices weren’t very good. The idea in my head was all of this kept me from the home chaos.

Although my grades were mostly “A’s” and “B’s” with some “C’s” none of this registered with mother. Her attitude was I could have done better. In time, I just stopped trying and did what I did and whatever I got was good enough for me.

After fighting with mother enough times, I moved in with my Dad and Step-Mother. They did the best they could but I was a scarred child and whether in my head or physically acting out I didn’t make life easy for them or what they could do for me.

I ended up pregnant by the boyfriend of the time. I wasn’t even 18 yet. I moved in with him and as soon as I turned 18 we were married. We were married before a Justice of the Peace. Our mothers were there but not my Dad. One more time I had disappointed him and that hurt.

My life was a hit or miss of good choices and me adding to my closets in my head. The bad choices I would put in a back closet and kept the door locked. Those choices would find a way out and curdled my soul to even acknowledge them. I didn’t understand them and I didn’t know how to get rid of them except to lock them back in their closets.

So I had come to the point of work, bad choices of boyfriends and dancing most every night. I would stay up most of the night with a stop off for breakfast, a couple of hours of sleep and then back to work. Only to do it over again, by the third night I had to give it a rest and stay in and I would sleep like a brick.

Sometimes. Sometimes my sleep would be inhabited by dreams about my parents or actions I had taken and the outcome which was not what I had expected. I hated to sleep because of the dreams. I believe this is why I worked and played hard so I could keep the boogie man away.

Luckily I found Al-Anon. This program gave me the tools to face my demons and to finally put them to rest. Since I didn’t have good role models, I found better ones in the program. I reset my brain, I let go of the scary stuff in my head and I learned to act and not react to situations. This didn’t happen overnight but step by step and one day at a time. Today I am living with my disorders as peacefully as I can, happily married to the man of my dreams and my two fur children.

Gee, all of this from a simple quote. Thank you Cher.

mz. em

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Currently Reading:

“The NEW diary” by Tristine Rainer

“Walking on Alligators” by Susan Shaughnessy

“New American Standard Bible” – The Book of Psalms

“Hope for Today” by Al-Anon

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